So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
