I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
