Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
