cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You are the jesus of drinking
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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