i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
