the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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