I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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