I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
