saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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