New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
