You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
