And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
