It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
