im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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