i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
