even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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