new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
