god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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