Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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