i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
