I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
