so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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