Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My bed smells like the plague
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
