So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
