I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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