I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
