Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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