Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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