This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
