Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
