So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
