winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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