My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
