??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
