dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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