I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
