I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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