Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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