NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What a dumb baby whore.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
