just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The ass gains better be worth it
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