Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
