Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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