Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
