just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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