I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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