I wish you could order shots online.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
