he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
