she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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