Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
