Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
